By Jodi Kinasewitz
Patience. Patience is a virtue, they say. Having the ability to wait without frustration or the capacity to tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering is an intangible skill. A skill that up until almost 5 years ago, I did not readily possess.
SOMETHING’S NOT RIGHT
In the summer of 2017, I found myself trembling in the arms of my husband. Like a baby, in the fetal position, I was sobbing as I told him I was struggling, that my lack of sleep and dark thoughts were terrifying me. I had little to no energy. I lost my usual desire to be social with friends and family. I was eating next to nothing and losing weight I couldn’t afford to lose. I could feel God’s presence and Him prompting me to ask for help. Something I did not like to do. I knew I needed to get help, and God was equipping me for an intense battle with The Enemy. I had found myself facing a season of unexplainable insomnia and anxiety; both of which walked me into a state of depression. I was scared. What was happening to my mind and body was so out of the ordinary for me. I didn’t know what to do to make it stop, make it better, or to fix it. I told my husband, our parents, and close friends what I was enduring. When I said I needed and wanted to seek professional help, they immediately started making calls on my behalf. As expected, they all offered to help me in any way they could. They prayed for me; they supported me. Everyone wrapped their arms around me, letting me know they were going to walk through this fire with me.
Looking back, I clearly see the perfect storm that was brewing prior to my breaking open, but I didn’t see it at the time. I couldn’t see it because I was too busy trying to keep up with the hustle of life. I found myself drowning in events that were hitting all at once, and in my typical ‘I’m fine, I don’t need help’ way of living, the recipe created disaster. The events that were happening were all things that reminded me I was not in control. I couldn’t manage any of the circumstances. I couldn’t change them. I couldn’t fix them. I couldn’t make them go away.
THE WAKE-UP CALL
When God walked with me into this fire, He was speaking to me. He used my weary body and mind to let me know I needed to hit pause. I needed to stop life as I knew it in order to seek Him and find Him, to find the help and peace that only He could offer. You see, I was so busy living my hurried life, that I’d become complacent in my faith walk. Instead of following His way, I was living life self- sufficiently. Yes, I prayed, but my prayers were rushed. Yes, I went to church every week with my family, but it was an item to check off my to-do list. Yes, people who knew me knew I was a Christian, but I didn’t openly talk about my faith or share His Word. So, God in His all-knowing, loving, and powerful way put the brakes on my runaway, impatient, fast-paced life.
The complacency in my faith and my attitude of ‘I can do it all, and be everything for everybody’ was morphing into a life that was full of hustle, stress, and impatience. Impatience with myself for not producing enough, not achieving enough; and, shame and guilt for lacking patience with others when they didn’t perform to my standards, or not being present enough with my family and friends. I was not filled with the joy and peace of Christ. I was band-aiding everything, covering my discomfort, worry, and weariness with a fake smile and an ‘I got this’ mantra. I did this until I couldn’t do it any longer.
I’ll never forget the day. It was Friday, October 6th, 2017, when I came undone in my classroom. I was exhausted, my anxiety was spiraling, and I was overcome with sadness. My body and mind were done fighting. Tears streamed down my face as I tried in vain to log into my computer, but I couldn’t remember my password. My hands were shaking as I frantically searched for the keys I couldn’t find to unlock my filing cabinet. All I could manage to do was sit at my desk and cry. Knowing I needed to pull myself together or leave before my students arrived, I picked up my phone and called a fellow teacher, who is also my dear friend. Without uttering a word, she knew I needed her. She ran to my room and took me home. What I thought would be a few days off work to get some rest, ended up being the greatest test of my faith and patience I have endured. I ended up taking an entire quarter off from teaching, so I could seek medical attention and professional counseling for anxiety and depression.
IT’S OKAY TO NEED AND ASK FOR HELP
I was ashamed, embarrassed, and scared. I was the wife, mom, friend, teacher, and neighbor who kept all the plates spinning. In hindsight, I needed help all along and I never slowed down enough to realize it, much less ask for it. While I wouldn’t wish my arduous battle on anyone, I am grateful God walked me through that fire. I used to roll my eyes at people who were feeling “anxious” or “depressed-thinking to myself, ‘What could be so bad? Get over it; so many others have it way worse than you’. I had very little patience or tolerance for people who didn’t step up, do their job, and do it well. But while I was so busy performing, perfecting, and passing judgment on others, I was losing sight of who God was in my life. I was missing out on opportunities to extend patience, gratitude, and grace.
- Do I feel like God used anxiety and depression as a way to get back at me for not keeping Him first? No.
- Do I feel like God was punishing me for not having enough faith? No.
- Do I believe God used this adversity to teach me patience, refine, renew and restore me? Yes and Amen.
This was the first ‘knock me to my knees’ event that I had ever had in life. For the most part, things had always gone my way. The chips always seemed to fall just right; I was dealt a good hand game, after game, after game. But I wasn’t fully acknowledging my blessings and successes as gifts given to me by God. My thinking was rooted in pride, and I was going about my days as if ‘it all depended on me’. I wasn’t living in the gift of each day; I wasn’t soaking in the joys of life that He had given me.
LEARNING AND GROWING THROUGH THE PAIN
I know God used this trial to teach me appreciation and patience. My battle with anxiety and depression was a long journey. It took a significant amount of time to find doctors that were covered by our insurance and wouldn’t cost us a small fortune. I also had to visit a few different counselors before I found the one that made me feel comfortable and I knew would give me Christian counsel. The biggest hurdle was being patient with myself when it came to my body adjusting to the medications that were prescribed. After a few months of trial and error, when it seemed nothing was going to work for me, I wanted to quit. I figured it was God’s way of telling me I didn’t need the medicine; I just needed more of Him. Thankfully, I was reminded by my doctor, counselor, and loved ones that God was not punishing me for a lack of faith, but rather He was teaching me patience by showing me that “…suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (Romans 5:3-5, ESV).
My battle with my mental health throughout 2017, along with the unexpected and devastating loss of my dad in 2018 and the Worldwide Pandemic in 2020, has clearly been God’s way of teaching me patience. Through these adversities, He has taught me how to slow down, quiet my mind, and “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him…” (Psalm 37:7, ESV). I have learned how to live more fully, how to drink from His well of joy. I know how to better love myself and others. And, I have more patience and compassion for those struggling. I empathize more readily because I realize I don’t know what fires God has called them to walk through. Most importantly, I now see and believe in the beauty that comes with patient waiting.
Following God and trusting in His will, His way, and His timing does not mean that I can’t or won’t have doubts, fears, and frustrations. But, it does mean that I can wait with faith. I can wait with hope. I was never promised a life of ease. I cannot hide from the hard truths of suffering and pain in this world, nor can I escape the heaviness and uncomfortable feeling of waiting.
EXPECTANT WAITING
I am currently in a state of waiting; we all are. We are constantly waiting. Waiting for the medical diagnosis, the test results, waiting for our kids’ college acceptance letters, waiting for the “right time” to move, change jobs, start a new hobby. And at this time of year, we wait with anticipation for the joys of Christmas.
All of this waiting accompanies us in the Season of Advent, a time of expectant waiting for the celebration of Jesus’s birth at Christmas and His return at the Second Coming. Much like Christmas, a time where most of us often become worn out and weary due to the hype and chaos of the season, we may find ourselves in a state of much-needed rest. Our emotional and physical tanks are being drained by all that life serves us, but by following and trusting in Jesus, we can wait in hope. We can be patient in our waiting.
GOD PATIENTLY WAITS ON US
It has been said that our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on what we’re waiting for. I know I have been eager to rid myself of difficult times. In much of my life, I have not been patient in the waiting; this is something I will likely be working on for the rest of my life. The trials that I have endured over the last 5 years have afforded me substantial practice in the art of patience. So, I patiently wait to see what God is doing. How is He using daily struggles to make me better? Maybe you too find yourself impatient in the waiting.
We plead with Him, ‘Lord, what are you waiting for? What are you doing? When will this be over? How much longer must I suffer before you save me from this mess?’ But then the thought comes to me, ‘Maybe Jesus is waiting on us.’ He is. He is patiently waiting on us. He always has; He always will. Just as He waited for me to put Him first in 2017, He waits on me now. He waits on you too.
He is waiting on us to turn to Him, seek, and find Him. He is waiting for us to recognize we are part of a broken world that needs Him. He has been patiently waiting for us since that first Holy Night so long ago- “Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him” (Isaiah 30:18, ESV). So all this time we feel we have been waiting on Him, time that has been filled with frustration, fear, and anguish, He has been The One patiently waiting on us. He waits for us to ask for His guidance and wisdom, His strength and courage to face life’s difficulties.
We ask God for many things; we lay our requests before Him each day. But do we wait patiently for His will, His way, His answer? Or do we keep asking in vain for the answers that we want? Even if He doesn’t give us our hearts’ desires, He is still waiting patiently for us to have faith ‘His will will be done on earth as it is in Heaven’. And, when we do get the answers we want, do we praise Him? Do we acknowledge His goodness, grace, and mighty love? We need to be wary of glorifying ourselves or others; we need to be more impressed with Jesus’s work. Our accomplishments, achievements, and blessings are not ours; they belong to Him.
God is also waiting for us to wake up and look around, to take notice of all the beauty and wonder that surrounds us each day. He desires us to hold onto hope in Him, but He also wants us to fully live the life He has given us. He yearns for us to look for and see all the good. He calls us to “Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving” (Colossians 4:2, ESV). If we ask God for our desires, wishes, and hopes, then we must be mindful and appreciative of how He chooses to answer our prayers. We take time to ask Him, so we must take time to thank Him.
So, this Advent Season, if I find myself feeling weak and weary, I will patiently lean on my faith, stand firm in His promises, and hold on to the kind of hope only Jesus can give. When my feelings of happiness are depleted and fleeing, I will dip my empty cup into His well of everlasting joy. I will dive into His Word, and let God hold me. Whatever crosses I bear, whatever gifts I have to share, I will do it all for Him. This Christmas, and into the New Year, I desire to become less so that He can become more. I invite the Holy Spirit to work in and through me. May I live in such a way that others seek to know ‘what’ I have, ‘WHO’ I have, that gives me such light, hope, peace, and joy. And when they ask, I can point them to Jesus. I can share His words,
“I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6, ESV).
He came once, and He is coming again. May we find joy in our patient waiting.
Connect with Jodi:
https://www.instagram.com/jkinasewitz/
